To me, real love is like when you’re standing outside and it’s chilly and suddenly the clouds move aside and the sun starts shining and warming the spot where you’re standing. It’s an unexpected surprise. It brings you something you didn’t know you were missing until it’s right in front of you, and you have it.
Rita, Faith and I at Self Workout in the Park! (Excuse my makeup-less face and crazy sweaty/rain bangs).
Spent the entire morning and afternoon in Central Park for Self magazine’s 20th annual workout in the park, sponsored by Crunch! It was so great to see all my favorite gym buddies (especially Rita!) and instructors outside, doing our favorite classes!
Lauren, Crystal and my mom went with me and we had a total blast! You know there aren’t many things I love more than fitness and I was so excited to share that with my mom today. She even did 2Fly with me and totally worked it out.
Even though the weather was iffy, it never rained and even if it had, it wouldn’t have stopped us for burning some calories and having the best time while doing it. Beyond stoked I got to share this amazing experience with so many people I love- already counting down the days until next year’s event!
Bad bitches at work.
Good thing we have models to capture these kinds of moments on location.
I’m spending the week with Alloy at Root Studios and out and about in Williamsburg. It’s strange to be with Alloy instead of Delia*s, but so great to be with Bonnie and Jorge.
May or may not be in love with the Alloy crew. It’s gonna be an excellent week of shooting. So many shenanigans already. One of the models is already trying to convince everyone that I have to be on every future Alloy shoot because she likes me (apparently she hates a lot of people. Haha!).
Anyway, it’s been nice to switch things up. Lately it feels like it’s been Delia*s/Macys/Bloomies for me, and that random All State Insurance job, so it was refreshing to be around a completely new crew. Except Bonnie, who I see around the Alloy/Delia*s offices, but never actually get to work with.
And I’m super stoked because I’m just in the beginning stages of putting together my first test shoot! Gigi (love of my life) is spending all of July in New York and wanted to do a test with me, and I got Tyler on board and am 90% sure I’ve got my friend Maggie for hair/makeup. Kind of a big deal for me, and I cannot wait to start brainstorming with Tyler next Monday.
On Having It All.
For being 24 years old, I have lived an amazing life.
I know, you’re all thinking, “I know. It’s all you talk about. How amazing and happy you are. Your life is perfect.” Sometimes I feel like my life simply cannot be real because it has all worked out better than I could have dreamed. I mean listen to a brief description of my life, it sounds like it was ripped right out of a CW television show.
A small town girl who dreamed of attending NYU to study journalism since the age of 10, miraculously manages to get accepted and follows her dreams to New York City, where she doesn’t know anyone within a couple hundred miles radius. Despite getting exactly what she wanted, she’s unhappy. She ends up transferring, is still unhappy, but somehow manages to land an amazing internship doing something that never occurred to her, and an incredible fashion stylist takes her under her wing and becomes her mentor and life guru. Upon graduation, she decides to stay in New York and pursue a career in styling, something she never pictured herself doing, and within a year, she is able to support herself doing a job she adores.
Listen, I know I worked hard to be where I am, but sometimes it feels like it was all too easy. How did it all just fall into place? It’s not at all what I imagined or planned, but life worked in mysterious ways and I can’t help but feel I ended up exactly where I was meant to. I wake up excited to work every single day. Sometimes I’m stressed or tired, but when I go home at night, I always think, “that was a great day”. I remember I once told Flavia that sometimes I get teary eyed when I think about my life because I’m so happy.
Here comes my point: it seems like I have it all. Especially if you haven’t known me for a long time, or you just read about my life on the internet. Sure, I’ve had hardships, but that was the past. At this moment, it seems like I have it all.
But there’s something I don’t have. It’s something I try not to think about and I don’t really talk about, especially here, but now that I’m in my mid-twenties it’s becoming a more…obvious situation. Romantic love. Everyone I knew in high school is moving in together, getting engaged, married and having babies.
I hate acknowledging this, but I’ve been single for four years. Granted, it’s been a huge blessing because I’ve been able to focus on my career and my life, without having to consider anyone else, but I think that might be me trying to make myself feel better about it. When Kyle broke up with me, I realized within a couple of weeks that it was the right thing for both of us, me especially. I had forgotten how to be on my own, I had forgotten what it meant to be me, without him.
But let’s be real for a minute. It didn’t take me four years to learn those things. I just became so consumed in myself, that I stopped looking for someone. And I felt that heart break for years. I still feel it sometimes, I know that put up a lot of walls for me. But now it’s like I’ve built myself this fortress and I feel safe and I’m so happy and I have everything I want, but I have no one to share it with.
I have amazing friends. I have the greatest family. But I want more. I want it all. Part of me thinks, “you’re 24, you have years before you have to worry about this”, but that’s what I’ve been telling myself the past 4 years. I don’t want another 4 years to pass.
In my life, I have taken so many risks and I’ve reaped the rewards. But I haven’t taken any risks in love, and look where I am. I don’t know if I can have the success and happiness I have in my career and also have a healthy, loving relationship. I put so much energy into bettering myself, I worry that if I put it into someone else, I might lose some of what I have. I recognize that that’s selfish, and something I will have to get over. It’s a risk I will eventually have to take.
I wish I could end this by saying, “It’s okay! I have a great career, I don’t need a man to make me happy! Girl power!”. And okay, I don’t need a man to make me happy. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want a man to make me happy.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that from now on, I’m going to take the risk. I’m going to embrace being emotionally irresponsible and reckless in the pursuit of love. I think I owe it to myself. And if it all blows up in my face, at least I know how happy I can be without it. Could I possibly find even more happiness in my life? Stay tuned folks.
Spent the day with Lyss.
Woke up, drank half a pot of coffee and went to the gym. Totally normal. But it was so great to see my Saturday morning crew! I was so happy I literally couldn’t stop smiling- even when I thought I was going to die from dehydration.
Met up with Alyssa at Northern Spy Food Co for coffee seltzers, biscuits, kale and french toast. I dream about coffee seltzer from Northern Spy Food Co. I had stopped in Pink Olive to get a card for Alyssa’s mom’s best friend who just had a baby on Monday, so we wrote her a little note at brunch. Had plenty of time to catch up about her New York vs. Miami summer situation. Things are looking pretty good! It would be so incredible to have Alyssa here this summer. It’s really hard to imagine a couple of months without her.
After brunch, we headed over to Dumbo for Craftacular and to just lay in the grass and soak up some rays. We decided to take the ferry home, because why not? It took forever, but we weren’t in a hurry.
I walked the rest of the way home and have been relaxing, drinking some tea and catching up on email stuff. I spent a good 30 minutes trying to hunt down an old NYU professor on Google. Not for any reason in particular, it’s just that he was the greatest teacher I’ve ever had and I still think about him, and I wanted him to know that. Life has been really great to me lately, so I wanted to pay some of that positive energy forward. I’m sure he doesn’t remember me, but that’s okay, I really just wanted him to know how much he meant to me.
Tomorrow I’m spending the day with Lauren in the East Village. It’s been a really long time since I spent an entire day in the hood. I’m hitting the gym for Emily’s classes in the morning, and then Laur and I are getting coffee at Mud and going to a couple local record stores. Can’t wait to see her, it’s been a minute since we properly caught up.
Lovin’ life, as always.
They see me rollin’…they hatin’.
Nothing like a bike ride around South Beach in a maxi skirt . I was probably the most clothed person in the vicinity. Music was bumpin’ out of every bar/club/restaurant, I saw so many thong bikinis, South Beach is something else. It’s on a whole other level.
I can’t believe Alyssa and I didn’t take a single picture together the entire trip- so unlike us. We were just so busy enjoying ourselves that we barely had time to instagram/tweet/blog/etc. And I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
It’s not a trip to Miami without at least 3 shots of palm trees.
Lyss and I spent our entire trip being beach bums, buying YOLO South Beach snapbacks, eating delicious meals, driving the mini coop with the top down blasting “Tubthumping” and various other 90’s hits, and laughing until we welled up with tears.
Miami is so good to me.
There is nothing like laying on an empty beach, soaking up the sun with your best friend and moon sister. We went straight to the beach from the airport and the moment our feet hit the sand, we kicked off our shoes and literally ran towards the water screaming, “This is not real! The water is SO blue!” The locals were unphased, but the constant 82 and sunny weather felt like such a treat.
On Saying “I Love You”.
There is something so mentally clarifying about going on vacation, especially when it means escaping the city for a few days. It’s a total detox for your mind. When I’m out of my routine, surrounded by new people and surroundings, it’s like all my mental walls and torn down. Being out of my element allows me to be extremely candid with people.
I had a number of rewarding conversations about family, my own personal growth and my relationships with Alyssa’s mom when were in Miami this past weekend. One morning Mari saw I was awake and she made me some coffee and we sat downstairs in the kitchen for a couple hours before Alyssa woke up and just talked about everything. It was so…cleansing. When I’m in New York, I’m always so busy with work, the gym, friends, etc that I don’t take a lot of time to be with myself and my thoughts. Mari was like a bounce board for ideas, thoughts, memories, revelations- it was amazing the way I could just openly speak with her about anything.
Over the course of the trip I found myself telling Mari and Lyss how much I love them, multiple times a day. I think that I have always been a realist when it comes to love, but I have a very loving nature. We were at the beach yesterday and I rubbed Mari’s arm and she said, “Oh! Do I have sand on my arm?” and I said, “No, I was just giving you a love rub.” To me, it felt completely normal. I love Mari, she’s become like a second mother to me. This morning, on our flight, Lyss fell asleep in my lap and I put my arm around her. Why did I do that? It just felt natural, I love her. She’s a sister to me and I wanted to express that.
On the flight back to the city, I realized I have no problem saying “I love you”. In fact, I say it to at least one person every day, I’m sure of it. And I always mean it. I don’t think it’s that I love a larger number of people than most, I just think I’m completely comfortable telling every person I love that I love them.
In fact, I don’t think enough people say “I love you”. I think a lot of us feel it, but are afraid to say it. Whether it’s because we might think it’s awkward, or the other person might not say it back, or even feel it back…I don’t know when it got such a negative connotation to say those words. Sure, many people beat around the bush, or half joke about it, or express their love in other ways, but there is nothing like telling someone, “I love you”.
A lot of times we hear these stories, concerning lost loves, where someone feels like they just wish they had told that person how they felt. Today, on that airplane, I realized that I don’t feel that way about a single person. I know that everyone I love knows that I love them because I tell them, and that’s a really great feeling.
There’s a song by The Format that goes, I love love, I love being in love, I don’t care what it does to me. And that’s exactly how I feel. I’m not even remotely afraid to tell someone that I love them, I just love to love people. I have a lot of love to give and I give it every day. That’s something I’m proud of, and I just sort of realized that this past weekend.
I know not everyone can say “I love you” as easily as I can. I realize everyone has a different relationship with the word and the emotion. I understand that to some people it might seem like I just throw the word away, or maybe they think I’m naive with the way that I give my love, but it is so freeing.
Just one of my many vacation revelations.
Lovin’ life, as always.
You are here.
So happy to be back in the blogging world. Just in time for me to jet off to Miami with Lyss for the weekend, but I’m back to our regular programming.
Went to Austin to visit this crazy kid. We had the best long weekend together. It’s amazing how close you can get to someone in such a short amount of time. Of course Mo and I have known each other for 4.5 (or is it 5.5?) years, I really felt like I was spending the weekend with a best friend I’ve known my whole life. So much laughter, so many pancakes and I can’t wait to go back again and do it all over again.
It’s so refreshing to have someone to do nothing with. Of course that’s what I have Lyss and Lauren for, but there is something irreplaceable about a friendship where you can do something as mundane as grocery shopping or driving from point A to point B and enjoy every moment of it.
Also, sorry I have so much swag.
Life has been really amazing to me since I decided to take a month hiatus from Tumblr.
I’ve really settled into freelance life and I love it. It’s a little up and down, but I’ve grown to appreciate the days I have off in the middle of the week. And if I don’t work for one week, I’m sure to be working 7 or 8 days straight the next. I’ve worked on some incredible projects too! I just wrapped a shoot for All State and I’ve been at Bloomingdales.com at least 2 or 3 days a week for the past couple of months.
I’ve really been able to nurture my relationships these past couple of months. I’ve become a lot more adventurous and a lot more chilled out since I quit Anthro back in February. I’m really starting to become the woman I want to be. I’m working with so many amazing stylists, art directors and photographers I can’t even believe it. My network of industry connections has like…quadrupled since I last wrote, although I think of most of them as friends, not “connections”.
And I’ve really been able to work on being a more healthy version of myself. Of course I’ve been a gym rat since Lauren and I joined Crunch back in September, but I’ve learned to treat my body a lot better in general. I’ve been able to really indulge in my passion for dance, and after MANY suggestions per the Zumba ladies at Crunch, I will be working on my certification this summer so I can teach when I’m not styling. Dance, but more specifically Zumba, has brought me infinite amounts of joy and I can’t imagine my life without it or my Zumba crew.
My one regret is that I haven’t seen my family since the very first day of 2013. I hope to get back to Clarkston for the 4th of July, since I find the 4th in New York kind of dull. I’ve been traveling a lot this year though! Fort Lauderdale in January, Miam in February, Austin and Miami again this month! I’m becoming quite the little jet setter.
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that now that I’m at a comfortable place in my life, I’d like to start writing here again. I’m not going to try to catch you up on everything I’ve done in the past month, it’s mostly been work anyway, but I’m happy to have this little slice of old school Jewlie back.